I sat down to catch up on blogging about three weeks ago and it never happened. Back then it was crazy to think it was already September and here we are nearly to October so I need to DO THIS! :)
First of all a lot of what has taken my time and energy over these last seven weeks are my panic attacks. After my first one (which was the last time I blogged!) I saw a doctor and he diagnosed me with Panic Attack Disorder (which means they are recurring and there's no reason for them) and he prescribed me with medication hoping to regulate my body and eventually eliminate them completely.
For the last seven weeks I have lived in constant fear of going to bed at night not knowing what is to come. They are by far the scariest thing I have ever experienced and now I have had at least half a dozen really severe ones which end up with me eventually being knocked out by a second medication (only to be taken during an attack) and getting just a couple hours of sleep. I have kept detailed record of all the episodes and went back to my doctor a couple weeks ago who adjusted my medication but to this day it is quite possibly still not right having had two episodes in the last three days. This thing has taken precious time away from being the wife and mommy I want to be.
Believe me I have already had many thoughts of feeling that I am going crazy. Most people don't understand panic attacks and that's okay. I probably would think I was crazy as an outsider but it really is something I cannot control. I can, however, control my thoughts while one is happening which is something I work on every time. But the more severe attacks give me a very realistic feeling (at the time) that I am going to die. I feel dizzy, hot an cold spells, rushes of adrenaline, smothering weight on my chest, trembling, feeling like I can't swallow. I wish I could say that they have stayed confines to the comforts of my own home but I had two on vacation in Victoria and I had one while driving to pick up Gracie from preschool. Something has to change soon.
The new year of Motherwise at our church has begun and today was the second meeting. We are doing a study of Gideon by Priscilla Shirer. She is an amazing speaker and today I was inspired as I walked away with some key nuggets that were speaking directly to me. It is when Gideon was under the shadows and darkness of the oak tree in the wine press that he had an encounter with the Angel of the Lord. It is then that Gideon received his calling and received the name of "Valiant Warrior". It is in our chaos and our crises that we receive our calling from the Lord and even in the midst of the chaos and crises we are called by name.
In the midst of the darkness of a panic attack in the middle of the night God sees me and knows me by name and every hair on my head. I am His warrior princess and I can choose the thoughts running through my head. I can choose to be filled with chaos or filled with the peace of the Lord. My mind will often lead me down the wrong path but if I hold on to the truths I know and believe in the Bible, I can and will get through this. I think keeping a written record for myself and tracking my progress will be a good testimony to hold onto for the future. Also I feel for me it's better to be transparent about these struggles because you never know who else has dealt with the same thing and been alone in the struggle.
Okay, now onto updating all the fun stuff we were able to do these last few weeks!
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