Finishing up four months...

For me, this blog is a tool I use for myself/ regardless of whether or not each post is ever read by anyone else. I want to be able to look back on this as sort of a journal and see the highs as well as the lows in my life. 

I feel like I begin this post like an alcoholic would it an addict would- four months into sobriety or something.

For me, this is the end of the fourth month of my panic attacks and the fourth month of the longest roller coaster ride I could ever go on.

I am irritated and bitter. Today is Thanksgiving and I began the day so thankful, so happy. I ended the afternoon angry and bitter. I'm not angry and bitter at God. I know He has me going through this struggle for a reason and I can already start to see results of things on my life that would not have happened had it not been for this struggle. It's so hard for me to talk about it with people because it sounds so foreign. It's not a sickness you can put symptoms and a label on and nine out of ten people know what you're going through because they've experienced it. But let me tell you. I am dealing with bitterness and anger at the fact that this thing is starting to affect my daily life. I had to ask my mom to take over the task I was working on in the kitchen because I was starting to feel panic. It subsided. I finished preparations only to have to leave the dinner table half way through and go upstairs and deal with the symptoms that started again. Two weeks ago I had been on this medication a month and I would have told you I felt back to my old self. I had my life back! I did say that to people who asked me how I was doing. I was even having more success making it through an entire service at church with no problems. Then the last ten days happened. I started getting into some politics with the school district regarding Kindergarten for Gracie- which led to me back on Facebook- which led to me a reading things that, to most are no big deal, but I can't handle it emotionally still. The girls were also sick which got me sick which led me to lots of nights of no sleep. The cycle turned into Saturday morning driving Gracie to gymnastics and BOOM out of nowhere a rush of anxiety at a stop light. A really loooooong stop light. I made it through. Sunday. Church. BOOM. Anxiety half way through service. Then the bank called and my card was compromised and they had to cancel it leaving me with very little ways to pay for things while I wait for a new card for nearly two weeks. Sunday afternoon driving to Trader Joe's BOOM. Anxiety at another long stoplight. Add in two difficult girls, nearly backing into a man when I pulled out of the parking lot followed by thinking Charlotte was choking on her Trader Joes lollipop and I broke down. More anxiety and crying on the way home. My poor girls (I try not to cry in front of them or lead on that anything is wrong) were so concerned. I got home and was shaking and left all the groceries in the car. It was all too much. My sweet husband, who would have been off in the next hour anyway, came right home and took over so I could relax and get through it. 

A couple more days just like that one have happened since. 

I don't know what happened to the me who was feeling back to my old self again. The me who had her life back. This thing is interrupting every day now and I am angry! One thing I have learned is it's good to get my emotions out. I try not to let things bother me anyway because life is short, but when it does I have to talk about it or it becomes like a ticking time bomb. One of the worst panic attacks I have had was back in October and after hours of working through it I realized it was most likely triggered by something emotional that happened with a friend earlier that day. Once I figured out the trigger and talked about it with someone I found it easier to calm down. I have been trying to minimize triggers in general. This is why I went off Facebook early October and I will probably just discipline myself to not go on as much and when I do I have to be disciplined not to read anything about killed or missing kids or people who have does of cancer. These are all things that get in my head and I can't deal with at this point in my life until I get all this more under control. 

I have faith that this is all going to work out. I know because my God has never left me or forsaken me before and He won't start now. In life we will go through trials- that's what the Bible says- and this is one of mine. Things are getting better and that's what gives me strength to keep fighting this enemy. But it still sucks. I would never think I would have a "mental health disorder". But I do. And I'm tired of it trying to ruin my life. I'm hoping the next update is much more positive!