Nothing like having your mom around...

My mom flew up for a quick visit to be here for my birthday!  We took a day trip to Pittock Mansion and I am so glad we did.  I had been wanting to see this place but I was unsure how the girls would do...old stuff, can't touch anything, fragile...you get the picture.  They did AMAZING! They loved all the "princess rooms" and fancy things.  The view was gorgeous and I couldn't imagine what it would have been like to actually live there.

On my birthday Tim got me Starbucks and my mom made Eggs Benedict (my favorite) and she had made chocolate dipped strawberries with the girls and then sent me off to get my nails done and do some shopping by myself...problem was it was Labor Day and the nail place was closed... so we changed plans.

We took my mom to Powell's Books...iconic to Portland...and we found some good things in there and the girls always love to look at books.  We also visited Tim at work and then my mom took us to dinner at Spaghetti Factory.  I won't go into too many details but after terrible service and a hair in the food, the dinner was free...but we made some memories and we went home and had some cake.

The next day my mom stayed with the girls and I got to go enjoy a manicure and pedicure and do some shopping and I had a great time.  It was definitely a birthday treat, thanks mom!!

Gracie took this picture...pretty good for 4 years old!

A princess and her castle

The girls and my mom decorated the dining room and it was beautiful

Gracie...!

Happy Birthday to me!

Chels flies to Sac

At the end of August I flew down for a quick trip to California for my friend's 30th birthday.  Her boyfriend arranged everything and we stayed in a cabin on the river in Truckee for the weekend.  Little did we know he also planned to propose so I got to be there when they came back from a morning hike engaged and with Allison sporting a new piece of bling on her finger.  After spending the weekend with them I got to stop by and see Molly and Karlin (I hadn't seen Molly in nearly a year!) and then have some much needed catch up time with my best friend of 20 years, Tiffani.  My mom came over and brought dinner and the three of us talked and talked and pretty soon it was really late and she had to drive home!  On Monday I was excited to fly back home and see Tim and the girls...I missed them so much!

Surprise!

I did a lot of this...

and this...

Engaged!

Celebrating with Icing on the Cupcake

We saw deer!

First real engagement photo

This describes our friendship perfectly

I've missed this girl...and we could have talked the whole night away, but I was thankful she could steal away from her family for a few hours!

I got to snuggle with Buffy...don't let the look fool you, this cat loves me ;) haha

Home sweet home!

Back to August- Tim's parents' visit!

The first week of August was a lot of fun for us.  We had Tim's mom with us for a few days and then she was joined by his dad.  We were able to take the girls to the children's museum, the Kennedy School to see a movie, and together all of us went to the beach for the day and then to the Grand Lodge for music and food before they headed home the next day.  It was a relaxing trip and we had great weather.

Art fun at the children's museum

Church!

Enjoying the sunshine in the afternoon

The Kennedy School

This was Tim's birthday gift- a handmade blanket of his old t-shirts from concerts, car shows, etc.  It is so neat!

Berry picking at Sauvie Island to get some blueberries for dessert!

Meeting the lead singer in the band

Dancing away!

Not intending on falling off the blogging wagon...

I sat down to catch up on blogging about three weeks ago and it never happened.  Back then it was crazy to think it was already September and here we are nearly to October so I need to DO THIS!  :)

First of all a lot of what has taken my time and energy over these last seven weeks are my panic attacks.  After my first one (which was the last time I blogged!) I saw a doctor and he diagnosed me with Panic Attack Disorder (which means they are recurring and there's no reason for them) and he prescribed me with medication hoping to regulate my body and eventually eliminate them completely.

For the last seven weeks I have lived in constant fear of going to bed at night not knowing what is to come.  They are by far the scariest thing I have ever experienced and now I have had at least half a dozen really severe ones which end up with me eventually being knocked out by a second medication (only to be taken during an attack) and getting just a couple hours of sleep.  I have kept detailed record of all the episodes and went back to my doctor a couple weeks ago who adjusted my medication but to this day it is quite possibly still not right having had two episodes in the last three days.  This thing has taken precious time away from being the wife and mommy I want to be.

Believe me I have already had many thoughts of feeling that I am going crazy.  Most people don't understand panic attacks and that's okay.  I probably would think I was crazy as an outsider but it really is something I cannot control. I can, however, control my thoughts while one is happening which is something I work on every time.  But the more severe attacks give me a very realistic feeling (at the time) that I am going to die.  I feel dizzy, hot an cold spells, rushes of adrenaline, smothering weight on my chest, trembling, feeling like I can't swallow.  I wish I could say that they have stayed confines to the comforts of my own home but I had two on vacation in Victoria and I had one while driving to pick up Gracie from preschool.  Something has to change soon.

The new year of Motherwise at our church has begun and today was the second meeting.  We are doing a study of Gideon by Priscilla Shirer.  She is an amazing speaker and today I was inspired as I  walked away with some key nuggets that were speaking directly to me.  It is when Gideon was under the shadows and darkness of the oak tree in the wine press that he had an encounter with the Angel of the Lord.  It is then that Gideon received his calling and received the name of  "Valiant Warrior".  It is in our chaos and our crises that we receive our calling from the Lord and even in the midst of the chaos and crises we are called by name.

In the midst of the darkness of a panic attack in the middle of the night God sees me and knows me by name and every hair on my head.  I am His warrior princess and I can choose the thoughts running through my head.  I can choose to be filled with chaos or filled with the peace of the Lord.  My mind will often lead me down the wrong path but if I hold on to the truths I know and believe in the Bible, I can and will get through this. I think keeping a written record for myself and tracking my progress will be a good testimony to hold onto for the future.  Also I feel for me it's better to be transparent about these struggles because you never know who else has dealt with the same thing and been alone in the struggle.

Okay, now onto updating all the fun stuff we were able to do these last few weeks!

So apparently I have panic attacks now?

Last night ranked up there as one of the top few scariest times in my life. It was late and I hadn't gone to sleep. I was actually thinking about exciting things. I wasn't feeling stressed, worried, or anxious. All of a sudden I just start to feel "off". Over the next little bit it got worse. My fingers started tingling. My heart was racing. Then I felt the same way when I got my epidural with Charlotte where on the operating table for about 30 seconds I felt like I was going to die. Then the anesthesiologist took care of that right away...bless him ☺️. Turns out it was a quick drop in my blood pressure. Last night I felt that way, like my face was cold, my body was tingly and jittery. I woke Tim and said something's not right. Thank you Jesus that his mom had just flown in to visit and she stayed with the girls while Tim took me to the ER (along with everyone else in the Portland metro area...haha) They took vitals, they drew blood, started an IV...all in the packed waiting room. We got there about 1:15 am and around 4:30 we got in a room by which time I was feeling a lot better. It was coming in waves, jitters, heart racing. The nurses were awesome. The Dr was AMAZING, and I was sent home around 6:30 and Tim and I got to watch the sunrise together. It was diagnosed as a panic attack which both my dad and my brother suffer from. All the symptoms were exactly what my dad described his being like. To anyone who has never had one before you just can't describe it as anything other than "impending doom" and you feel like you're going to die. It was so scary and I'm so glad they have me a couple doses of a little white pill I can take if it happens again...but I pray that it doesn't! Poor Tim had to go to work all day on no sleep but I was able to basically sleep all day and Roberta took care of the girls and they had a great day. So thankful for that! 

Girls' Room

I once read an article written by a mom who said no matter how many bedrooms they had in their house her kids would always share a room. 

When we lived in Orangevale the house was a little over 1100 square feet. With two kids and a dog and all the junk that goes with people nowadays the walls were starting to close in. We decided when Charlotte was still a pretty young baby that we would put the girls in the same room and then have a "play room". It worked so well having a room designated for toys and we worked hard to keep almost all of them in there leaving a less cluttered living space. 

When we knew we were moving to a house 400 square feet larger but still with three bedrooms the question came up about them sharing. They were already used to it and I like the idea of sisters sharing a room and decreasing the concept of "yours" and "mine". I feel that kids these days (mine too in many ways) have "their own" everything. Some kids have their own rooms, iPads, TVs, phones, and countless other things. I also think it helps them learn conflict resolution when you have to sleep in the same room with that person every night. 

Just recently we have witnessed some of the loudest arguments between the girls and also have witnessed some of the absolute sweetest moments ever. We know without a doubt they like sharing a room...which leads me to the topic of this post! 

I have lived almost ten months with white walls almost everywhere in this house and it's bothered me every. Single. Day. 

Tim was not on board with my idea to paint the girls' room...maybe it had to do with the fact that we painted six different rooms in the old house most of which he did 100% by himself. 

I started picturing the room with some color and a fresh coat of paint and that was it...off to the store for paint samples. The girls and I picked up several shades of light yellow and then after going home I decided on one.

The only part that made me nervous was the fact that their room has vaulted ceilings coming to a pitch of about 12 feet. Getting up to those edges would be a bit tricky since we don't own anything more than a step ladder!! 

Over the next twelve hours I got in there and did different areas while the girls played, while they napped, and then after they went to bed in the guest room for the night. 

The finished product? A yellow that has a very striking resemblance to the "green" room in Orangevale! It sure looked yellow on the sample and in the can but either way it's a beautiful color and the girls LOVE their "new room". I moved the beds around and am still working on hanging things on the walls but it's done for now. Next I am tackling the loft area...which has about 8 walls. Wish me luck! 

I should have taken a before picture but I forgot...so here is the "after"

Sisters and Sleepovers

Dear Gracie and Charlotte,

Tonight we pushed your beds together because we are getting ready to paint your room. I told Gracie to stay in her own bed and be a role model so Charlotte would go to sleep. Over an hour after Daddy and I put you to bed you were still making noise. I went upstairs to see what you were doing and I stood outside your door in the dark. You didn't know I was there and I was ready to just you and tell you to quiet down and go to sleep. But do you know what I heard? I heard Gracie telling you, Charlotte, "I love you bigger than the mountains" then I heard you babble back to her in your sweet little language. You guys went back and forth like that and then Gracie read you a story. Then you asked her to read you another one and she did. Then she said she was tired and you needed to lay down and then offered to let you lay with her on her bed. She got you your frog and "beem" (blanket) and snuggled with you. Then I heard one more thing.

Gracie "you see that on the wall? The shadow from the window?" 

Charlotte "yesh"

Gracie "that's a picture God made just for you"

And just like that my heart was a puddle on the carpet of the dark hallway.

You were breaking my rule. But do you know what? I didn't care. At. All. 

You two were making memories. You are sisters and you were doing what sisters are supposed to do. Talk. Giggle. Be there for each other. I hope nights like these stick in your memory because I know it will stick in mine. We love you all te way to the sun.

Mommy