So today I deactivated my Facebook- temporarily. I can go back anytime. But for now it was something I needed to do for me. I am really struggling with my panic attacks and now with some other symptoms. It makes me worry. A. Lot. It's so easy to have faith to move mountains when you're on the mountaintop and someone else is going through something. When I am in that place I can't even muster up faith of a mustard seed. I try so hard. I transfer everything I read to my own life, my family, my girls. Reading about the 29 year old who is here in Portland and will die from a brain tumor on November 1st is tragic. My heart completely goes out to her and her family. Then I think of her- 29 years old, beautiful, healthy...and three years younger than me. One year ago- brain tumor- and that's it. It's everywhere. Cancer. It freaks the crap out of me. I don't watch lots of movies centered around it- The Fault In Our Stars? Haven't seen it. Won't see it. Red Band Society? Probably won't try it. I don't want to watch kids in the hospital with horrible diseases. Call it closed minded. Call it Pollyanna. But with the panic attacks I suffer from it's not something good for me right now- my mind is a little too messed up and until I find my baseline again and am in a better place I need to make my life roses and lollipops whenever possible. I already worry every day that I am going to receive the diagnosis at 32 that will take me away from Tim and the girls forever. Every little symptom. A couple small brown spots on my face I never noticed before (turns out they are age spots- hello sunscreen!) I think about it so many times during the day. As much as Facebook is fun for me to see everyone's mountain top experiences (I really do care- please believe me) and I know I will be missing out for awhile, it's also turned into something I quickly scroll through because there are so many ads and other things that aren't part of someone's personal life and I just don't care. I will, however, be better at updating our blog with lots of pictures of my beautiful babies.
God has a plan for my life and I continue to believe that. It's just sometimes it's harder than others. As I sit here and type this and the girls play, this is what hangs on the wall above my head.
Faith. Trust. Two words I am working on living by more and more every day. I just need a mustard seed! A tiny little mustard seed. I can do this...but I'm doing it without my little friend named Facebook.
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